There are moments in life where I am truly happy
When I can feel myself inside my body, and the joy beats through my chest
People all around can see me, and they lift me up
It’s contagious and grows from one stranger turn friend to the next
So when? Or how? Or why does that all change?
What happens to shift that joy and happiness to isolation
It happens slowly and I can’t seem to pinpoint why
But slowly one word is taken the wrong way
Or someone I think you I trust betrays me
And then it begins to snowball, falling down and down
The fragile twigs holding me up fall so much faster than they raised me
And I’m sad, and I’m hurt, and confused and in pain
It’s not right, it’s not just, so I do what I must and I fight back
But my fighting is seen as cruel and isolates me further
The same people who put me on top of the world, drag me down into a hole where there is no way out
My world is now at stake. The life I built off of the frail kindling
I want to scream out in pain and injustice, and I try. I try so hard
I want to be good and prove who I am, but the harder I try, the further down I go
Reflecting on my experiences, I’m desperate to understand the why
I analyzed and read and talk and assess and analyze so more
Through piecing hints from wagging tongues, shaking heads, and rolled eyes, I gain my clues
And those clues build slowly and I have to step back in order to see my picture. My ugly, dark, scary picture
And then I see it. The world around me only loves me when I am happy.
Agreeing with every word from every mouth.
Acting as the doormat of their needs and offering tired ears to never ending thoughts.
I’m only loved when I push aside right or wrong, good or bad, ok versus great.
Those around me do not strive for great. They don’t want to trust and learn.
Those around only want to be heard, to be right, to be followed.
And it is only through following, silencing, reserving, and dimming that I can be on top again
But what if I don’t want to be this muted me on top of the world?
What if the money, the popularity, the admiration isn’t worth it if I’m hidden away?
Then I would only be some puppet up on the hill looking down, while the puppet masters reign on the mountain controlling all I am.
I think I know what I must do.
I must be smarter.
Anchor to who I am.
Notice right and wrong and bad and great. I must stay humble and listen, but pay attention and notice.
I must keep some of the cards hidden in my pocket, but ready to pull when I am strong and the table is ready for me.
This life lesson is about patience.
It’s about love and endurance with love.
It’s about me and not letting go.
It’s about calculated silence.
It’s about time for me to take the control, and nobody needs to know that but me.
This time is about changing this silly game for all of the me’s in the future.
I know I have what it takes. I was meant for this.