Eternal Confusion

Mind in knots, my tired heart
Can’t think straight, keep thoughts apart

There is so much love and warm memories
But there is also pain, fear, and anger, even jealousies

Jealous for the life painted in the books
For the smiles, laughter and warm parents looks

Happiness fades in and fades out
But the fear is overwhelming, the crying, the shouts

I hear the riddle, I love you, I love you not
Its on repeat in my mind, the message has been taught

One moment you feel love and the next something else
They make you so happy and then leave you with welts

I’m so much older now and see it all more clear
Why am I still struggling, why still in fear?

I want to let go of the bad and cling on to the good
I want to forgive my past, count my blessings, I know I should

It’s just not that easy when you’ve been so deceived
I still recall that moment when reality was not what I believed

I believed I was happy, we were perfect, my life was so blessed
And as I grew older, I saw through the smiles, the words, and the rest

They told me I was so lucky for all that I had,
But how lucky is a child who is so scared and so sad?

And now I yearn to repair and build the world that was fraud
Create something true, that little girl would applaud

But the damage has run deep and left so many scars
And I find new damage still, I raise my head to the stars

I beg and plead that I can come back to myself
The girl inside is now safe, come on out, but with stealth

I hope she’s not broken, or too damaged to thrive
I feel her inside, she’s there, come out and come alive

So I’ll sort through each thought, each feeling, each cut
I’ll see it all, one at a time , and accept what I’ve got

I’ll learn from each lesson, apply it to be stronger
I’ll take a step at a time, buried I’ll be no longer

It’ll take a lifetime, getting a little better each day
So long as I live, I’ll protect my future from life in that way

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